If you want to drink or fuck at the World Cup, this is not your year

Don’t even think about having fun, creep.
Photo: Getty Images

Qatar followed the lead of Catholic parents before the prom, enacting a ban on sex for the biggest party the city has ever organized at the 2022 World Cup. If the deadly heat, the deadliest working conditions, the Strict alcohol rules and summer time change have not been enough rain (heat stroke inducing degree sunlight?) on this international football parade, banning sex will make this edition the least fun on record.

There is nothing wrong with a little bump on the pitch, but if it happens by consensus at the Marriott after the game, participants could be sentenced to seven years in prison if they are not husband and wife. a police source told the Daily Star.

That source also said, “Sex is a lot off the menu, unless you’re coming as a husband and wife team. There definitely won’t be one night stand adventures in this tournament.

“There will be no party at all. Everyone has to keep their heads on themselves, unless they want to risk being stuck in prison.

“There is essentially a ban on sex in place at this year’s World Cup for the first time ever. The fans must be prepared “.

FIFA is already warning that there will be no “exceptions” and one wonders if those bags knew that the payment they received in exchange for the World Cup delivery to Qatar would come with a celibacy policy. You will tell me that he was told directly that fans should celebrate the advancement to the knockout stage with Sprite and provocative looks. Should they just sweat on each other for no reason other than country pride?

Qatar would be better off erecting instant chapels in Las Vegas soon because a cancellation is a small price to pay for making the semi-finals let alone winning the Cup. Public displays of affection are also a crime, and while some PDA cases should be illegal, like your sister and her new boyfriend feeding each other a watermelon, a harmless hug after a wonderful goal is second nature. . Good luck trying to keep handshakes and fives if Argentina or England face their respective dry spells.

The host country’s ban on revealing overly revealing clothing could help quell some impulses as common sense dictates that the less skin is shown, the less excited the customers will be. This is good logic until you consider that there is an inherent attraction to a handsome person wearing your team uniform – or perhaps you like a rival country or another of your choice. No judgment here.

Public drunkenness is also outlawed, which would put entire stadiums in the English Premier League in handcuffs. You know the “I survived [enter event name here]T-shirts that people print for anything from spring break 2016 to a pandemic? Those could take on a whole new meaning after spending seven years in a Qatari prison because you pushed back some Coors Lights and got caught banging a willing patriot in the bathroom after the USMNT drew 1-1 against England in the stage. in groups.

FIFA saying “everyone is welcome” at the best sports tournament clearly ignored the quick-to-celebrate, quicker-to-drink and fornicate fan bases that make up a large proportion of football’s faithful. Qatar should have asked an abstinence advocate how well their fight is before paying millions and building stadiums to organize a sideline competition alongside the World Cup.

Think of the mile-high queue on flights departing from Doha. Someone please take care of the welfare of the Kuwait Airlines assistants. I am still trying to stave off COVID and now they will need buckets of bleach and fireproof suits to disinfect the plane.

Great fucking idea, FIFA. Oh wait, I forgot, there won’t be shit.

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